I have been away from my California home for just about two months now... I have been staying at my parents house experiencing this very difficult time with those I love the most... however, I don't know if its because I'm staying in the house I grew up in, but I'm sill waiting for my dad to get home from work. Even though I know what's really going on, a part of me is still not accepting what is really happening. I still think dad will be home for dinner; he'll call me on his way home to talk Army or about the Red Sox or about Liam; he'll get home and tell me that he's "pooped" but if I want Chinese or Tastee-Freeze he's still awake enough to run and get it; he'll say "hey leesie deesie" in a way only he can; he'll hug me goodnight so I get lost in his big arms. I miss my daddy...
I am lucky to still have my father alive and I thank God that he has made it through all that he has; some of his doctors and nurses are amazed that he has lived this long with his condition and survived the last two sizable strokes. But the strokes took away apart of my father that I'll never get back... being with him everyday I am reminded of what is missing in him and I don't know how to accept that this is how things will be. As long as surgery #2 goes as we hope it will (on 10/25), I'm headed back to California on the 30th. Part of me feels like I'm running away because I don't want to accept what's happening; part of me is terrified to return for Christmas because if my dad is living at home it'll be too weird to see the "new" him where we've always lived; part of me is worried what being back in California will do to me... I have probably talked to my dad about every other day since I've lived out there and our conversations now are extremely different then what they once were.
I know God has a plan and I do trust in that plan. I hope the surgeons learned something from my dad's condition so they catch it sooner in the next person. Through all of this my family has been tried and pushed to our limits, but we have stayed together and have grown stronger. I pray we never lose that strength. I also pray that I keep my faith; it too has been tried and pushed to its limit and I don't want to lose it. God has a plan; God has a plan; God has a plan; I may have to remind myself of that over and over again, but I won't lose faith.
I guess at some point I'm going to have to accept reality. I love my daddy; he still is my daddy and I'm still his baby girl and we will all get through this together <3
